January 28, 2008
Something tells me that the conversations over the last day or so at Chez Clinton went something like this (expletives cleaned up):
Sunday morning, Hillary in Tennessee, calling Bill who was Lord-knows-where. HER: "Bill, wake up you (horse's butt.) Get whoever you've got with you the (heck) outta there and listen up. We've got a huge (freakin') crisis here." HIM: "(Gosh dang it), Hillree. Do you know how (freakin') early it is?" HER: "Listen, (horse's butt). Ted Kennedy is about to endorse Obama. I cannot believe what an ungrateful (horse's butt) he is. After all of the (gosh-dang) (stuff) we've done for him! That washed-up (freakin') (horse's butt) is pulling himself out of the (freakin') bar long enough to endorse somebody ELSE?!" HIM (whispering to someone else): "I'll be right with you, baby....Don't go." HER: "BILL! Who the (freak) are you talking to?? We've got an emergency here, and all you can think about is Mr. Happy? You are unbelievable." HIM: "I'm sorry, honey. What were you saying?" HER: "Oh shut up. Just get on the horn with Kennedy and hold a (freakin') gun to his head. Show me that you're good for something besides (sleeping with) half of America."
Sunday afternoon, Bill Lord-knows-where, calling the Senior Senator from Massachusetts, the Honorable Edward M. Kennedy. BILL: "Teddy! Great to hear your voice." TED: "Mr. President." BILL: "Rootin' for the Patriots, eh? That Brady is somethin' else." TED: "Yes, he is." BILL: "Goin' to the Big Game?" TED: "No, Mr. President." BILL: "I hear ya. I'd rather watch on the big screen at home with a coupla beers myself." SILENCE. BILL: "So listen. I heard this crazy rumor that you were thinkin' about endorsing Obama. Surely you're too smart a man to fall for his BS. I know I can go back to Hillree and tell her you're on board, right?" TED: "Actually, Mr. President, I am going to announce my support for Senator Obama tomorrow." BILL: "Oh, Ted. You crack me up. Have you thought about pitching a show to Comedy Central? Seriously, how can you go for a guy who doesn't have the first clue about anything? Hillree has been around the block. She knows how Washington and the world work. There's no learning curve with her. Besides, did you know that Obama is black?" TED: "With all due respect, Mr. President, I have been deeply offended by the way you and Senator Clinton have injected race into this campaign. You have smeared a good man, a decent man, a man who reminds me a lot of my brothers---" BILL: "Oh, please. You're not falling for that old claptrap, are you?" TED: "Mr. President, I have found your treatment of Senator Obama---dismissing him as a "fairy tale," as "Jesse Jackson"---despicable." BILL: "That's rich, coming from you. You should be in prison for murder rather than kingmaking in the 2008 election." TED: "Mr. President. I'm supporting Senator Obama. End of story. And if I could offer you some advice, tone it down. Stop with the racial (stuff). And go be a semi-dignified ex-president." BILL: "I'm very disappointed in you, Ted. You'd better hope Hillree doesn't get elected. You won't know what hit you." TED: "Is that a threat?" BILL: "No, it's a promise." TED: "Is there anything else, Mr. President?" BILL: "Could you at least endorse Edwards instead?"
Monday afternoon, Hillary on the campaign trail, calling Bill, who is Lord-knows-where. HER: "Did you SEE that?! Did you just see those turncoat, son-of-a-(female dog) Kennedys endorse Obama? It looked like a (freakin') ticker tape parade." HIM: "Ted cleans up well." HER: "All of their "he's the new Camelot" (stuff) makes me want to puke. And you, you (horse's butt)! You couldn't stop it. What good are you to me? I should dump your (butt) right now." HIM: "Go ahead. Do me the favor, honey. Let's see how well you do out there without me. My guess is you'd last five minutes." HER: "Oh really? All of your (freakin') "brilliant" strategies have screwed this up beyond belief!" HIM: "I only have so much to work with, sweetheart." HER: "Now you've got Al Sharpton telling you to "shut up"---and on "The View" of all places! FIX THIS!" HIM: "I'm on it, baby. I'm on it."